This past week has been really difficult for me. My eating disorder (the restricting side of it) has really flared up again. I’m finding it hard to just make myself eat anything. …I’m not even close to following my meal plan, which is scary.
I know how slippery of a slope this can be, especially with D and my insulin.
Having diabetes and an eating disorder seems to make the need and drive for control even more vicious when I am faced with a wall like the one I am looking at now. With my ED, I feel as though I can establish some sort of control over my body, when I may otherwise have very little. When my mind is in the depths of the disorder, I am fueled by the fact my ED is something no one can take away from me.. something that brings some sort of inner loci of control into my life and into my world that my seem unmanageable and overwhelming at times.
One of the biggest parts of diabetes that I have struggled with is very closely related to my ED. Having diabetes makes me feel so out of control of my body. I never know when I’ll be up or when I’ll be down. Am I going to get low in a parking lot while putting up groceries, (or worse) at work, when teaching my class of eleven 3 year olds, (or even worse) while driving?? …And then there are the times when my blood sugars are super high and I can’t get them to go down and the way that makes me feel physically. …When I’m sick and it’s twice as bad because my blood sugars don’t seem to Ever want to behave themselves during those times…even with extra insulin. It’s a battle inside the confines of my own mind and body.
I remember being diagnosed with D and the image I couldn’t and still can’t get out of my head was one of a little green monster with tools (kind of like the little green monster on the plaque commercials) running around inside my belly tapping on things and making me sick. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I guess that’s just how my imaginative mind conjured up an understanding of this disease at that time.
I know I have a choice today to take care of myself, and I guess that’s the difference between now and times in the past.
It’s easy to get caught up in the fantasy of denial with an eating disorder and diabetes, but I know and have experienced some of the not so pretty truths with both. When I really think about it, this eating disorder is not worth what it costs, but the trick and the question in the matter is how to surrender control…